


Crack The Shutters

by Pikkuhiiri



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel/Demon Relationship, Demon Dean Winchester, Demon Power, M/M, Out of Grace, Post-Episode: s09e23 Do You Believe In Miracles?, Profound Bond, Spoilers for Episode: s09e23, do you believe in miracles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-23
Updated: 2014-08-01
Packaged: 2018-01-26 06:32:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1678265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pikkuhiiri/pseuds/Pikkuhiiri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He became his worst nightmare and Dean has no idea how to handle all the rage, power and need to kill. On the one hand there is Crowley who is really helpful sometimes, but on the other there is Sam. And in between is the connection to an angel who nearly felt again, because Dean messed it up for him. But how to fix someone, when you can't fix yourself? The only thing Dean knows, is that he has to try to stay alive, keep his last pieces of humanity as safe as possible and made it through the day. If Cas would listen when he prays?<br/>Can a demon pray?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Under The Surface

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know, but right now I really could write a lot. Maybe it is because of sooo much imagination stuff I have for the next season. 
> 
> I have no idea how long this story will be, so let's come around time after time and look if there is something new. 
> 
> Sorry for the bad writing, no good english skills ;) 
> 
> Now, have fun, and I would really like some Kudos <3

No. This was frustrating and it was ridiculous. The men in the mirror was a stranger. The pale skin, the bruises everywhere and last but not least the black eyes. For now he did'nt figured out how to switch between this fucking demon face and the humanity. For now it was good to know to have the ability to switch. When he even believed in what Crowley said. First he was pissed but now he was pleased to have him on his side. Yeah, his side. Dean smirked but it looked so disgusting in the mirror that he was full of hate for himself. He should smite Crowley for doing this to him, for let him run into the fire. But all he felt was emptyness and he knew without Crowley he was not able to manage this life. Or whatever it was by now. Without this douchebag he would be dead because he had no idea how much power was now inside his bones and under his flesh.

 

„Dean, are you in there?“

  
His hands digged deep into the cold sink under his pale skin. There was this rush again in his venes. Full of anger and power. Everytime he tried to control himself he got more pissed about this and the world and everything.

  
„Yes Sam. I am still in here. I can't switch through walls after all.“

  
Yeah, what a pitty he can't. Because if he could nothing would hold him in here. He would go out and let his power flow. Since days he felt like a big ball full of energy ready to burst. But nothing inside this dark walls, which once he called home, where able to relax him. And Sam was not helpful at all. He was frightened. Dean could smell that. In his sweat, on his skin and even deep under the skin of his brother. And more worse than the fact that he could now smell those crazy things, was the fact that Sam was frightened because of him. Because Sam don't know what to do, when he got totally dark side and start running around and killing people. Or worser than that, kill himself and posses others. And there it was again, that tight smirk, kind of evil and everytime Dean saw his face turn into something like that his anger raises so damn high, that he was frightened his venes were going to explode. But how should they, there was no heartbeat anymore under his skin. There was no pulse, there was no breathing. There was nothing, because he was a dead man. And not even that. He was a demon.

 

When he came out of the bathroom Sam stood there with this pale face, worried and smelling like crap again.

  
„Is this youre new kind of demon stuff you do every day? Lock you inside the bathroom for hours, face yourself in the mirror and hate yourself for something you could'nt change?“

Dean let out a angry snort.

 

„What do you know? You have no idea how I feel. How it is to be his own vessel. To face the fact that you are caught something between human and demon and that there is nothing out in the world which can change the fact that I am approximately dead.“

„Now you do it again. Look dude, we've been through this since weeks. How often should I tell you that we will figure something out.“

  
Dean felt the rage again, pulsing so hard through his flesh that it felt like pain. Like holy water on his demon skin. But it was so good. So amazing. He loved the feeling of pure rage and hate, drowned by wave after wave of pure power.

 

„Just shut up Sam. Look at you pathetic human beeing. Talking to me like you know any cure for this. Since weeks. That's it. That's the problem man. We've been talking about it since I opened my eyes in that bed. How often should I tell you that there is nothing left in the world for helping me. So just leave me alone and go hunt some demons. That's youre job Sammy. Hunting those bitches like me. If you like we could train a little bit. I swear I can be very nasty.“

 

Sam let go a deep sigh.  
„Fine Dean. You know it's pretty hard to lock you down here in the bunker. I mean, you're still my brother.“

 

All Dean could do was to answer with a shrug. Yeah, Sam was his brother. But who cares at all? His humanity drifted more and more away and Sam was not making it better by talking and fading away like a cloud in the sky. It was so hard to control this feelings. The needy taste on his tongue which would like to scream and yell and hit his brother in his stupid, damn face. But there was some kind of human pieces left inside him. Those little pieces who helped control this lust and rage. But Dean had no idea how long. He needed something to do, to hit, to blame, to hate, to kill. Yes. He needed to kill. And that durst felt like hunger for Sex. Once you accepted the lust, you could'nt deny it any longer. And than there was something scretching at the walls of his chest. It felt like the devil would jump out of his skin and attac Sam until he was bleeding out. Dean hit the wall, just to relax and stop this hunger. He heared the fast breathing of Sam, smelled the sweat and the fear and still, he was not sorry.

 

„Where's Castiel?“

He leaned his back against the wall and closed his eyes. He had no idea how often he asked Sam this question since the last weeks. Everytime this douche answered with 'I have no idea'. This was so frustrating that it was not helping to stop his rage.

 

„I told you Dean. I don't know.“  
„Dou you call him?“  
„Yes.“  
„And?“  
„Nothing.“

  
He hit the wall hard with the back of his head. This son of a bitch should answer Sam's calls as fast as possible or he would smite that angel with his own hands. But after he finished that thought in his head, he felt sorry. Sometimes it was possible to feel sorry.

 

„You don't do it right.“  
Sam let out a sarcastic laugh.

 

„Really Dean? What should I do? I prayed to him, I called him every day but there is just silence. He don't answer any call. I don't know what's wrong in heaven. Since he left with Gadreel there was no sign that he is still alive. I mean, I am afraid that he is dead.“

 

„No!“

 

Dean pushed Sam hard against the next wall, breathing hard, even if he did'nt need to breath. The fear was between them and he digged his fingers deep in Sam's shoulders.

„Don't say that again. Do you hear me. Don't you ever say again that Cas is dead. If you're going to say that again I will scratch youre skin off until I can eat youre soul. Dou you get me?“

„Dean, please. Stop it. You're hurting me. I am sorry, okay.“

 

Dean closed his eyes. Humanity. Humanity. He was so tired of this. Of this strange kind of emotions.  
He leaned in and his forehead met Sam's as gentle as possible. This was so wrong. He was dangerous.

„I am sorry Sammy. I swear. I would'nt do that again. I freaked out. I can't control it.“

„It's okay, I'm fine. But let me go.“

 

Dean steped back and Sam was rubbing over his shoulders. This has to stop. Crowley was such a dick. He promised it would get better with some time. Yeah. Better. It was more like losing more and more human skills with each day.

„Did you prayed to him. I mean, did you call him?“

Dean started to laugh.

„Really Sam? How? Look at me. Do you really believe he could hear me now?“

Sam shrugs.

  
„Well, maybe there's something left of youre profound bond. I don't know Dean. But you can't just walk around the whole day and just freak me out. And stop yelling by the way. You have to calm down. We will fix this.“

 

„Ya know what? Screw you. I don't care what you think or what you say. And I don't care if I freak you out or something like that. I know that you afraid Sam. I can smell it. It's in the air. And do you know what? You're right. Because I am dangerous and I am a killer and if I could I would go out and just kill because I am so damn needy for rush and rage and just killing. But you locked me inside of that hole of shit. And now you stay there and talking about Castiel, about calming down and that you will fix this. I am so sorry, that you are lost Sam.“

 

He turned around because there was nothing left to say. Sam could not understand. And Dean was not sure if Sam would figure this out somehow.  
All the devil traps on the walls made him mad about Sam. What right does he have to just lock him inside?

 

But most of all Dean was ashamed. If that's still possible. Because he freaked out so much. About Sam's answer. The answer he always got everytime he asked if Sam heared something of Cas. Maybe he was right. Maybe Cas was really dead. Who knows what Metatron has done to him. Only by thinking about this douche Dean felt a new wave of pure anger running through his body. If Metatron has killed Cas, there was no way out for this freak anymore. Now with all his powers and his lust for killing and the blade still in his hands, he would go out and smite him without thinking twice.

 

But maybe Sam was right. Maybe it was possible, that Cas could still hear him if he was alive. But as much as he thought about calling Cas, as much grew the fear, because he knew what angles could do to demons. And he was not sure how he would feel about Cas when he would see him for the first time as a demon. This was a circle and he was wandering round after round.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sooooooo sorry.   
> I had to study a lot and I was sooo busy. I am really sorry. I hope someone is still reading this crap. I am   
> not happy with this chapter, so I hope you are. 
> 
> Have Fun :)

It was a strange feeling to be a prisoner in his own body. To know that you are dead but not. But maybe he would get used to it. The thing which was worser than that, was breathing. But hell knows how it was possible to ignore the fact that he don't needed to breath anymore. Everytime Dean thought about this tiny, little fact, he became sure that he was a freak. More than ever before. He was dead and not. So for sure, he was a freak. And this freak was supposed to call an angel who was just the same freak as he was. Just with a halo on his head. But Dean was not laughing about his joke, either smiling. He just fixed the dirty floor beneath his feet and felt ridicoulos. About everything.

His hands digged deep into the mattrass. He has to start somewhere. He has to begin, because if he would not, he would never be able to end it any way. So he had to do something. Even if it was crazy and useless.

„Castiel? Are you listening?“

Castiel. That tastes very strange on his tongue. He was not sure when he called him the last time by his angle name. So why now? Maybe that was part of his scary new nature. To put some hate into angle things. Whatever.

„Cas, do you have your ears on? This is Dean. I mean you know that already, because I'm still calling you like I always did, right? So this is me, asking you if you're still alive. I have no idea what happened to you or Gadreel. I just wanna know if you're okay man. So if you get this, and you are not to busy, or whatever, please gimme a answer. Just let me know, that you are fine.“

Yeah, this was better. This was more his human Dean style. But it was not okay to ignore the fact that he was'nt human anymore, right? So either he would now tell the truth or ignore this little piece and let Cas freak totally out. If he would ever show up again.

„I have to tell you something. If you're still listening. I messed it up. I mean, again. Metatron left, you are stuck in heaven and I am dead.“

Awesome. If that was better, he would put an iron fork into his chest just for fun.

„I am not dead like dead. I turned into something very, very bad and I am pretty sure you are not going to like this new part of me that much. You know the story of Cain? You know that he was a demon. Well pretty exciting, that this blade not just screwed me up, it changed me more than anything else before. When Metatron stabed me in the chest I died. Like every human would. But that was not the end Cas. I woke up again. Later. And I am not the same anymore. Because I am a demon now. You know a black eyed bitch. So, if you have any idea, how to fix this hellride. Man, please. Just show up.“

The room was silent. There was nothing. It felt like the whole earth stoped moving and there was this feeling in his veins. It felt like missing something, like waiting and waiting for things they will never ever happen again. And deep inside it made him furious. Why would he not answer again? Just because he was a demon? Just because he was no longer the same man? Was he not good enough for him? After all they've been through the last years.  
Dean was not sure if it was possible for a demon to feel so much hate and pain in one moment. Maybe that was the reason most of the demons turned this shit off, because it makes you weak and a target for others. Maybe Crowley was right and he was still too much human.   
But this was great. It should be great. He should be happy about the fact that he still could feel pain and guilt and other emotions.   
But all he could feel right now, was nothing.   
Because there was no one beside him in the room and there should be, because Cas always came when he called, even than when he was in war.

„Man, you changed a lot I guess.“

And than there was this sound. Loud and clear behind his back, familiar and he was too afraid to turn around. Because he was not sure what would happen if he looked in those eyes he knew so well.

„Dean..“

He was alive. The fact that Cas was alive and not prisoned in heaven, tortured or death was everything Dean wanted to hear since he faced himself in the mirror. Because Sammy could'nt fix this. He was too weak. Too much human. Filled up with feelings. Cas was an angle. When someone could fix this without putting too much human stuff in this crap, it was Cas.

Dean turned around and for the first time, since he knew Cas, he saw everything. He saw his wings, the grace which was burning low. Just everything. And even now as a demon, there where no words to discribe how it felt to face an angel for the first time.  
He had to close his eyes, because it was just too much of it.

„You're alive. Metatron lied.“

Cas closed the distance between them and Dean was not sure what to do next, because he really missed him and was afraid that he lost him forever, but it was too much and it felt not real. It felt just wrong. Not meant to be.

„I thought you were dead too.“

And it was the first time Dean looked up. In Cas' face. And it was horrible to see all the things Cas was thinking. He heared him, Dean knew. But to face his old friend as a demon was something Cas was not prepared for. And all the hope Dean had, that Cas could fix this without feelings and guilt. All this was gone when Cas' eyes filled with pain, got dark and looked away.

„I am sorry Dean. I was not there to save you.“

„Yeah. Got it.“

„No, you're not. Because you have no idea how it was to be in heaven. To face Metatron all alone and to hear that the human you once saved is dead.“

Dean rolled is eyes and turned around. This was crazy. Cas was no help. Maybe it was time to call Crowley and face the truth. Once you lost your soul, there is nothing left for you on earth.

„What happened Dean?“

Yeah, what happened?  
He was not sure. He thought about it over and over again but there was nothing. He can't remember how it felt to die and raise as a demon. His head was totally blank.

„Don't know.“

Cas was closer now. Dean could feel his bodyheat and the breathing in his neck.   
And this made him face the angle again. Something was wrong. THIS was wrong.

„You're breathing. Why are you breathing?“

Cas smiled. It was kind of creepy to see one of those smiles he shared with him so many times in the past. A smile witch was not able to hide the pain and the miserable feeling.

„I need my own grace back. This one it not going to last any longer. Maybe some days. Weeks. Perhaps less than 24 hours. The last weeks were not that easy. If I am not getting my grace back, this grace will burn out and I am afraid that this vessel is not going to survive.“

Dean swallowed even if there was nothing to swallow.

„Means?“  
„I am dying. Tomorrow. In some days. Next week. Later.“

Dean looked away. To the floor, the walls. He needed to look away because this nasty feeling was squeezing his heart. To be a demon and to feel all this human stuff was so not going to work.  
  
„But that's not why I'm here. I heard your call. Nothing will change, I promise. Like you always said we will figure something out and you will see, everything is going to be alright again.“

And this was enough. Enough of this crap he could not listen to any longer. After all the pain, the blood, after all what Cas lost, he still puts him first. THIS was so wrong. Cas should yell at him, hate him for all the things he did in the past weeks. He should not stand infront of him, nearly dead and promise to fix him. It was not necessary to fix him. But he would not just stand there and watch his best friend die. Not as a human and not as a demon.

He was so much faster than before and he had so much more strength than before. It was so easy to close the space between them. It felt incredible to touch an angel for the first time, even if it was just a brush.

He pushed Cas against the wall and he was not sorry. Not sorry for anything. Not for the pain in the blue angle eyes, not for making everything wrong, not for messing up over and over again.

The power under his skin was nearly endless. He tried to focus but he was so close to the edge. More than ever before.

„I swear, if you're going to say again that it is not important to make sure you are alright, I will cut your wings in pieces and make some angle wings to go. I will pull out every single feather slowly and painful. Did you get that?“

„Dean, you are too strong. Let me go.“  
„I don't care. I asked if you get that. So answer me.“

His hands were digging deep into the flesh of Cas' vessel and there was a puls under his fingers. He could feel it. He could feel the pain, the heartbeat and than Dean looked back in those eyes.  
He let go of him, faster as he pushed him against the wall. Guilt was rushing through his veins again and made his mind blur.

„Sorry. I lost the track.“  
„I saw it.“  
„You're afraid of me.“  
„No. I'm not.“  
„Yes you are. I see it. I can smell it. Look at you. All pale and wide eyed. Racing puls. Fast breathing. This is my fault. I scared you. I hurt you. This is going to get more worse every day. You should go. Take Sammy and leave me alone as long as you both can. I am a monster and I am going to kill."  
„I am not leaving you, Dean. You are my family. You and Sam, and I will do everything I can to set this right again.“  
„I will kill you.“  
„No you're not.“  
„I will kill you.“

And than everything around Dean went upside down. When Cas took Deans face in his hands, there was nothing left on his mind. It felt like burning, like fire. Cas' voice was far away and with the last will power he had, Dean pushed Cas away.

„Man, are you mad? I said I will kill you. Not kill me first. What was that?“

„I am sorry Dean. I have to go. I will come back when I know something about turning you back into a human.“

„You are not leaving me now Cas. Why can't you touch me?“  
„You're a hunter Dean. You should know that.“

And than he was gone and Dean was alone.   
Alone in the silence with thousands of thoughts running wild.

„Cas? Castiel? CAS! I will hunt you down if you try any stupid things. Do you listen? I, Dean Winchester, will kill you, Castiel. You are not going to die because of me. Dou you get that?“

But Cas was not answering. And all Dean could feel was too much to take for a demon and a human vessel.

 

 


End file.
